#7-Self-Driven

Another installment in my self-discovery journeyMy booth at the Bijou Market... a huge success!

I am a hard worker. I have had nearly straight A's from Kindergarten to College and paid most of my way through it. I know what it's like to get up at 4 a.m., go to work , go to school, go back to work, do homework, and go to bed at midnight or later and start over again the next day. And I don't give up. I have loved my teaching career and felt like I was pretty amazing at it while it lasted. I have always felt like a very self-driven, motivated person.

So, when I had Ella and decided to stay home, I knew I'd need something to supplement Jon's income and keep myself sane. So I decided to pursue grant writing. I knew I could do well at it, just like my other jobs because I'm a "hard worker". How hard could it be? Meet with principals, get information, write it up (I love to write!), submit it, get money. Right?
WRONG. Turns out, most of the principals I've met with have never worked with a grant writer, and they're mostly too busy to give me the info I need when I need it. So grant writing has not done too well. I have been pretty darn frustrated with why this isn't going as smoothly as everything else I have tried. And recently it's become very clear to me why. All through school, from Kinder on up, and even through my teaching career, people have told me what to do and how to do it, and I ROCK at meeting expectations. So I did.

But now I am my own boss. I decide my hours. I figure out what steps to do to meet my goals. In fact, I even set the goals myself. And I tell principals what they need and why. Or, I should... in theory.... do those things. Instead I have near anxiety attacks thinking about meeting with them, then find myself cursing these principals for never getting back to me and sitting and waiting and feeling sorry for myself.

I've also tried my hand at sewing baby shoes (as many of you know). It's a lot of fun, but my confidence frequently wanes concerning my creative abilities and whether or not anyone will even want to buy anything I have made. Truly it isn't financially smart to spend my time on shoes that I only sell for $10. But it's fun and exciting for me. And it gives me a creative outlet that gives me so much to look forward to! Unfortunately I often find myself "finding inspiration" or "trying something new" instead of working even harder at what I know will bring in more income. So, what do I do? Do I spend my time doing something that I enjoy, but can't focus on very well, for the sake of income, or do I spend my time doing something I really love but doesn't bring in a lot of money right now? I just hope to make good life choices, and they both seem great, but I can't keep doing both.

Jon is a huge example for me in this. He's so motivated and driven, I swear he thinks of a new business idea every week, AND he gets them going... it's fabulous! So, I always thought I was a driven, independent person, but I am finding now that I really need to work on that trait if I'm ever going to succeed as a writer or shoe designer!